jacinda juxtaposed

2009-01-05T10:00:00.001-08:00

A Photographic Essay

By Jacinda & Ben Gies...

Click here to preview my new book

2008-12-07T18:08:00.000-08:00

Im back.

Though I believe I am alone here. However, that is not the point.

Surveying up north right now has left me with hours upon hours of thinking time everyday. Good in some ways, not so much in others. I feel like im sinking into myself. I feel socially awkward, i dont know how to talk to people. I always was introverted, but it is becoming increasingly so.

I think alot about my life. What i want to do and see. I think about family. But now these two things are competing it seems, and i dont know what to do.

I dream of travel amd adventure, in both work and play. I love change and learning. I want to see the world, experience so many things, and meet many people. The trouble is I feel pressure to sit and stay still. Like a puppy.

Part of me wants the benefits of a normal settled life, having family close, time to spend, and being able to plan in advance and make the little get-togethers. (and the holidays for that matter)

But the other part of me feels that i need more, that i would be bored or something. I enjoy our work, its outside, its everywhere, its in the remote regions of the province. Its expereincing new things and meeting new people. Its adventure. It also allows us the saved up time and finances to travel abroad, to China and South America, maybe back to Africa. And this is what i dream of, what my heart aches for. But its also little time off to see family, and impossible to plan around.

Am i being selfish for wanting to follow my dreams and live my life for me right now? Does family first mean forgetting my dreams and settling to be near? I do wish i could see family more. Can i have both?

I feel that now is our time while we are kid-free to live our dreams and love life together as simply husband and wife. But to what cost?

these are my thoughts

lost in slumber

2008-05-06T13:40:00.000-07:00

laying in bed this morning i had these brilliant thoughts and ideas. i was goin gover them in my mind, refining them and articulating them specifically so i could share on my blog.

Then i fell back asleep and lost the thoughts to slumber.

They have not returned yet. Alas.

i cannot see the sun, but there is light

2008-04-10T07:35:00.000-07:00

the weather out side seems to match my heart.
the snow falls, silencing everything around so im left feeling alone.
it melts leaving a tear stained face.
and the weight of it accumulating weighs heavy.

the multitude of flakes has me helpless
the burden has me sinking.

i cannot see the sun, but there is light.

randoms and rants

2008-03-26T20:17:00.000-07:00

Some random thoughts and observations

As I was waiting for the bus the other morning, I realized that a young man waiting in the bus shelter was using a pair of teal tweezers to pluck out the hairs on his chin. I just found it odd. Perhaps he was running late?

A girl in one of my classes amazes me with her perfectly choreographed rituals to settling into her seat. She walks in, sitting in the seat in front of me, slightly to the right. She takes of her pink backpack stained with dirt. Sits down, places her little black purse in front of her. Places her pink backpack on the chair to her left. Uses the kleenex, though once it was a paper towel, that she always has in her hand to thoroughly wipe the desk space in front of her. Then she wipes the bottom of her shiny black vinyl purse and sets it down again. She leaves the kleenex within reach on the desk in front of her. She unzips her pink backpack and pulls out her bright orange pencil case, setting it in front of her. She takes out her pencil and sharpens it with the little blue sharpener. Its exactly the same every time. Maybe it's something like how most people (perhaps?) usually dry off their bodies the same way every time the get out of the shower: right arm, left arm, face, hair, chest and so on.

Maybe not so surprisingly I often have Africa in my head, but one of my latest thoughts:
Funny how some people can become so obsessed with celebrities in the media, thinking they actually know them, know who they are and their personalities. Women in particular can even attach themselves emotionally to a famous person in whom they have never met. (OK, I'm not going crazy, this will link to Africa) I was never one of those girls. As a teenager when others would talk about their favorite star and who they would die to meet, or which one they would date, I could never really understand it. I didn't care about the rich and famous, they were not part of my world. Today I had the thought that celebrities aren't real to me. They almost seem made up. Anyways, this lead to more ponderings about the media and our perceptions of it, how much we regard it as truth, as reality, or as fiction. This is when my mind wandered back to Africa. What do we believe when we see war- torn and death ravaged countries on the news for a mere minute or two? What did we think when we saw Rwanda in the news? How do we perceive what's happening in Kenya or Tibet right now? I find that now that I have experienced Africa, now that I have been there, met the people, touched the ground, breathed the air, its part of my world now. I find myself more aware of distant turbulence. I'm struggling with what this means. Am I only sensitive to things in which I have had contact?

Fruit and Valentine's CD's

2008-03-26T13:51:00.000-07:00

Many people have asked me what we ate.

Fruit mostly. The most delicious fruit. Pineapple, mango, papaya, bananas, avocado, and some other stranger ones that i didn't enjoy as much. Every morning was fruit and bread with jam, and an egg, flat as a pancake. They also served either coffee or African tea in a thermos, which was kind of like a chi tea, made with milk rather than water. If you left it for a minute it would skim over. And it smelled fresh, I mean straight from the cow. My stomach didn't like it that much.

Lunch we would stop at a grocer to grab something, typical sandwich, samosa, etc, and we would stop on the road out there to buy bananas from a woman on the side of the road. Supper was always at a restaurant, as the team had separated accommodations and the days were long, it was easiest to meet somewhere. Usually the menu consisted of slightly off North American food. Sometimes we would go to a wonderful elaborate buffet that consisted of both local recipes and North American dishes.

Speaking of eating, I have a very wonderful story of Valentines day in Rwanda.
Our team on the last day before our presentation was tired and exhausted from working, and had one more long day ahead of us to pull all the data together. In fact with surveying, Ben and I had our hardest day too. We headed to a restaurant to fill our stomachs. It was a nice restaurant we had gone to before, high up on a balcony over-looking Kigali. As we approached some tables we were confronted with 4 hosts, two young women in short skirts, and another pair in uniform. Each pair was rushing to set tables, directing us to sit down, pulling our chairs out for us. Our team each sat somewhere different, unaware, but finally cluing into the awkward situation that there were in fact TWO restaurants on that balcony competing for our service. By then we had ended up on both sides, and feeling too guilty to move as a whole group to the other, we decided to stay split up and dine at both. Ben and I stayed on the side of the restaurant we had not been to before, thinking they would be similar. Slightly disappointed, the menu consisted of a few sandwiches, chicken fingers, fish sticks and a burger, with fries of course. After opting for the burger and fish sticks our table settled into conversation. Soon our team leader realized it was our first valentines day as a married couple and decided it had to be special. He got up and went to talk to the waitress. Soon we were escorted to our own little table with a candle. It was quite romantic. And to top it off, a group of the guys from our team came up to us and serenaded us with a N'Sync love song. Quite the night.

But that wasn't all. The competitive atmosphere between the restaurants was fierce. A while after we were given a candle, every other table on our side did too. After that some of the guys on the other side took some candles for their table. They promptly were reprimanded and their candles returned to the rightful side. Then waitress on their own side stepped up and brought them their own candles. I think we made the better choice however, we were served first (let's ignore the fact that all we could order was fast food, while the other table had a full menu) Although, good thing we shared the burger then the fish sticks, because they arrived approx 15min apart from each other. For the grand finale of our first Valentine's Day, we were given a gift of a home-made burnt/mixed CD of pop love songs by one of the hosts who also happened to be a DJ.

Again!

2008-03-25T06:46:00.000-07:00

One significant memory, one of my favorite things that happened in Africa was on Valentine's Day, after a long and very frustrating day of work, we had finally finished our survey. Just in time too. We were surveying the top parcel of land where the existing church structure stood, and there was to be a service at 2pm. We had to finish up by then as it would be impossible once people started to gather.

The day was hot and we were tired. I was really struggling with myself. We were there to do our survey which was difficult to do when large herds of kids would follow me around, shouting and yelling. I couldn't hear Ben on the radio which was essential to getting the job done. It was difficult to move around as I was closed in by little bodies pushing to get the closest. I had little patience. I was claustrophobic. I got so aggravated, which bothered me. Weren't we there for the children? They are who we were there to serve, yet I had no feelings of joy or love to give them. I don't think I was even smiling.

When we had finished the job, I felt so much relief that my attitude did a 180. Now I could smile and laugh and be friendly. It didn't seem right that I didn't have the time for this while working. On the other hand, if we did not buckle down and get the job done, they would not get houses and school rooms built for them.

Back to my point, it was after this that I had a simple experience that will stick with me. The people were gathering for the church service. Ben and I sat down under a tree to rest. The kids crowded around, holding my hands, petting my hair, and crawling into my lap. One girl in particular, her name was Olive, had spend as much time as she could with me in the past week. She was a girl full of joy and friendship. She often helped the younger children, and the widows pound flour. She approached me with a friend, asking me in her broken English if I knew a certain song. They proceeded to sing me a song in their language which I instantly recognized as, "Our God is an Awesome God."

For the next half hour we sang together.

I wrote it out in English and they quickly picked it up. They wrote it out in Kinyrwandan, and had me sing it over and over. After each time Olive would yell, "Again!" But I got it. Much to the entertainment of those listening. The older women were laughing quite hard at my fumbling of their language. They appreciated my willingness to learn their language. It was so much fun.

Risking my heart

2008-03-19T09:20:00.001-07:00

I don't really know what impacted me the most.

Sometimes i think that just traveling in general, being in a different culture, and in this case being somewhere with such a sorrowful past, tends to be maturing. It opens my mind and my eyes. We can get so narrowly focused on living our own little lives and controlling everything within our realms. But traveling you are at the mercy of those around you, you learn to be dependent. I feel that during our trip I grew up a little more. Separated from our daily life and western culture I realized how much I can act like a spoiled little child. When traveling I cant always have my way or get what I want. You have to accept and be content with where you are and what you have.

I found that in Africa things were so different and didn't always make sense to me. It taught me to let go and live in the present. They don't really plan ahead there. They live day by day, well hour by hour really, need by need. Terribly inefficient. Looking back I see how it helps me realize the big picture.

The day we flew out I remember the feeling I had as we drove through Calgary on the way to the airport. I felt free. Somehow separated and distant from the rest of the cars driving about their business. Knowing you're about to embark on an adventure and fly across the world suddenly opens up your mind and you can see a way bigger picture. So often it's easy to think that Calgary, or Alberta, or Canada, or North America is the world. If we see nothing else, I guess it's hard to understand just how much else, and who else is out there.

I think part of the reason I found it hard adjusting back here is that now I'm stuck in this big picture-it's hard to focus back on the daily aspects of life and school. But it's also kicked in a passion, for travel and adventure, for learning about other people, cultures, for social issues. Coming back has not been all that bad. It's funny to see how God works and weaves things into my life. In my photography class I am using my photos from Rwanda as my project. Working on a presentation of those has helped me to articulate what I saw, as well as where I plan to go. My Prof suggested a photo-journalist by the name of Sebastiao Salgado for me to do a research project on. His work is inspiring. I encourage you to look him up.

Yesterday I went to the library to search out some books on his work. After an hour of going up and down the many floors, hungry and frustrated, I was directed to a totally different floor 3, and basement in another building. But the rewards were great. Ironically his books were not there, but it was a whole aisle of photography books. I picked one up on award winning photo-journalism. The next 45 min I was gone. I was sitting on the floor in an empty basement room, leaned against the wall surrounded by that smell of old books and dust. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I was confronted by some of the most powerful images I've seen. The topic range was vast, but among them were images of African refugees and the genocide of Rwanda.

I realized that I am drawn to these photographs. I am drawn to the exploration of our earth and interaction of people around the world. But the risks are great. I don't know if I can do it, if I have what it takes. I don't know how much I can handle. Perhaps it's like love. Opening your heart up completely for love has the potential to be painful, but the joy and unconditional love that flows out of it is ever more abundant. Maybe opening my heart up to the world, the beauty and the suffering, will be painful but more so rewarding in the joy and love that follows. Many photographers risk their lives in order to capture the atrocities of human life, perhaps I'm willing to risk my heart.

Beginning thoughts

2008-03-17T12:34:00.000-07:00

Finally i am adjusting back to normal life. Though we really have the travel bug bad. We have been back for almost a month and we are dreaming of where and how to go next.

I still feel that it is nearly impossible to describe my experience and thoughts of Rwanda. I dont think this will change either. I feel it is time for me to go back to my journal amd reflect on what i wrote while i was there in Africa. My next posts will be thoughts from those pages.

Travelling there was, interesting. Ben and i having plans to go to Scotland for climbing after Africa, packed a 50lb pack all of mountain gear. Plus we had survey equipment, so we had a lot of stuff. In order to keep it under weight restrictions ad save space, we wore our mountaineering boots, on the flights as well as all day in between, such as walking around London. We also were wearing approx 4 layers of coats as well. It was rather uncomfortable, but definatley that seems funny now.

It was shocking how green London was.

We went to the Tate where i saw works i have studied in class. Joseph Beuys, Jackson Pollock, Manet....

We straddled 0 degrees longitude (hmmm, i hope i got that right, Ben was pretty excited whatever it was)

Flying over Africa was amazing with the expanse of Red earth beneath us!

Rwanda is the land of a thousand hills, the whole country is all hills.

The air was warm and humid. We were greeted with such joyfill hosts. We throw our bags ontop of a land crusier and pile into the back where there are bench seats along the windows. no seat belts.

I thought driving in Europe was bad and insane, it pales in comparison to this.

Ben and i stayed in a beautiful clean apart with another couple and a Word of life pastor, the rest of the team stayed in a hotel across town, this proved to be one of the most frustrating and debilitating aspects of the trip. Our host teased that this was snob hill, the Calgary of Kigali.

Our foam mattress was compressed with the imprint of our bodies on the first night, and never recovered. It was flat for the rest of the week. But if thats all i have to complain about..

We never needed a mosquito net, although one night we had one mosquito in our room, and the next night two, which was engouh to drive us mad. Ben wasnt tasty i guess, i got all the bites.

more memories to come soon...

flat lined

2008-02-29T15:09:00.000-08:00

I've since left Africa, explored the Scotland highlands and have returned home to the demands of school and life. We've been back nearly a week and i have yet to post more on my time in Jabana. To be honest i feel that i haven't written due to a serious lack of motivation. I don't really know what to say, i cannot form any idea or thought to my time there. I have heard that it is common to come back from a trip like that and experience depression or meaningless, but i never thought it would be quite like this. Its not depression really, just indifference perhaps. My emotions feel flat lined. (Garden State comes to mind)
I don't know how to describe my experience in Rwanda, or my thoughts now.

However i have had some beautiful moments in the past couple days:

yesterday morning walking to the bus as the snow fell the city. I love how it hushes the murmurs of urban existtence.

Running into a good friend today at school that i have not seen in a long time, as sharing stories and feelings as she too has experienced Africa.

Walking home today in the bright sunlight, feeling the warmth on my bare arms, and spring on its way.

I will attempt to wade through my own mind and unfold some stories and experiences that i have had onto this site soon. As well i will be posting photos on my flickr site, accessible through my photography link to the right.

2008-02-19T02:44:00.000-08:00

So much has happened in the last week. I wrote a journal and I think I may keep posting blogs on my time in Jabana as I read through my entries and ponder on my time here. There is so much to think about and remember.

It’s Sunday morning and Ben and I are packed to leave Africa this afternoon. I have to admit I’m ready to leave at this point. At the same time I do love it here and would love to come back at some point, especially to see what the outcome of our work has been. The week was busy working hard and long in such foreign circumstances. It was exhausting. Not to mention the emotional strain.

Last Sunday our team headed up to church in Jabana with a couple suitcases full of school supplies and toys to give to the children in the community. We walked away from that wondering if it was even a blessing to them. As we tried to control the 150 some kids and hand things out to each, the atmosphere soon turned to panic and greed as the children swarmed scared they wouldn’t get anything. Some were crying and screaming, others begging with those big brown eyes while our team was trying to do this in a systematic way. At first all the kids were told to sit down. This lasted a few minutes, then they tried lining them up. This turned into pushing and piling up crowding the table. Soon they were on all sides. We were at a loss of what to do. The adults of the community use switches of trees to fend back the children, spankings their little bums and legs. The kids would hide the toy they received to get another one and bigger kids took from the little kids. When we packed up to leave, many children had empty arms despite the abundance of gifts that were brought. Then there were other orphans with armloads they had confiscated from smaller others. It was very disheartening. We felt useless.

Having been uneasy from the beginning on our stance of bringing little toys and such to hand out, Ben and I didn’t bring much. During this frenzy, not wanting to be much a part of it, I wondered away through the banana orchids to the back of the property. I had seen Ben head back there. What I found was an atmosphere of joy and fellowship. Ben and Darcy were spending time with the owner of the neighboring land. This kind old man spoke only Kynurawandan, the native language and French. So Ben used some rusty high school French knowledge, while Darcy tried using the similar tongue of Spanish that he knows to communicate. I, not knowing either just smiled. This experience was one of our best here, especially for Ben, to spend time with one person and have a conversation despite language barriers. The man was excited that Ben and I were married, and surprised that we had no children. We met his wife and children and my heart was melted by the sweetest little girl. He had also tried convincing us that avocado’s here grow to be the size of melons, that the ones on the tree were still “petite.” We had a good laugh later when our interpreter told us he was pulling our leg.

Jacinda in Jabana

2008-02-19T02:37:00.000-08:00

I’m sitting in a red tin shack, having been waiting for the rain to stop. It was a torrential down pour. So I write on the laptop, hoping that soon I can post it. The red earth is slick, and the lush green foliage is shivering. I am waiting for the team to finish so we can be jostled down the dirt road and head back into Kigali for the evening.

My time here in Africa so far has been…wonderful, interesting and even complicated. Experiencing first hand such different cultural norms that I have heard friends talk about in other cultures has been humorous. Being in another country, another culture provides for such curiosities. With this came frustrations as well, mostly with communication. If we were just traveling it would be no problem, but being a group of engineers trying to finish our project in one week, what would normally take months at home, has been a frenzy.

The reason I’m in this shack right now has been another hurdle to jump. The rain pours down in the afternoon, cutting the day short for surveying. It is muggy in the morning, hot and humid by noon, and afternoon brings a downpour. Today we were able to get out to our site here in Jabana early. This seemed impossible yesterday as unexpected and unexplained detours and delays surfaced frequently.

The site we are surveying for the building of a church/school complex and orphan village is a half hour out of Kigali where our lodging is. Ben and I are sharing a townhouse with another couple and a pastor. The rest of the team stays in another area of the city, but not too far away in a “country club,” which is nothing like our country clubs. (They have family saloons here too, but we later learned that’s how they spell salon). The team has access to a good Toyota Land Cruiser and the pastor drives it. However, it broke down on the second evening here. So for a few days we rode in taxi vans with insane drivers. Traffic here is like nothing I’ve ever seen. Worse than Europe or Spain or Morocco! Transportation has been a gong show. Despite all this we have been productive in our surveying and are close to finishing our first site. The second site up the hill is substantially smaller and less complex. In the next few days we will be finishing up both sites so that the other engineers can use our work as the base of theirs. Our team will be presenting our info to various people on Friday evening.

This one will be different

2008-02-06T11:15:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I experienced that powerful feeling of freedom and possibility. It's like walking out of your last exam in the spring, like moving to a new place, a new town, like cruising down the road with the radio blasting, it's like the wind in your hair and the sun on your face. It's freedom and unlimited possibility, the taste of new experiences and unknown adventures. It's being on top of the world, carefree, excited, footloose. I find myself craving this feeling consistently every year.

I've had this feeling many times in the past six years:

finishing high school, cutting my long blonde hair to a really short brunette style, breaking ties with an unhealthy high school relationship and moving to the city to begin a new life, in a new school, The King's University College.

After a year I moved from old Rez to new Rez with 5 of the most wonderful women who soon became my closest friends.

The year after I decided to go to a new city, a new school. I began thinking that perhaps I will always have this restlessness, the desire to go and do something new, see something different. Here I met Ben, my perfect match, and dived straight into a wonderful relationship.

Come summer I took off with my best friend Jane, to travel Spain, Morocco, Portugal, and England. Still not enough, I even continued alone when she went home, traveling Ireland and Scotland solo.

Back in Calgary, Ben proposed in the fall, and we were wed in April, 2007. That summer we spent surveying and mountaineering. Truly made for each other, we sought out adventures and epics together.

Today we are leaving for Rwanda. This feeling that I have been describing is welling up, but also mixed with a stronger feeling of importance. Somehow this one will be different.

Slow paced Intensity

2008-02-03T18:34:00.000-08:00

Here we find ourselves a couple days away from leaving for Rwanda. Lately I've had this experience of slow paced intensity. It's like everything is happening in slow motion yet I still feel like I can't keep up. Kinda like running under water.

We had a wonderful weekend in Jasper, ice climbing in the marvelous caverns of Maligne Canyon. The rock formation there is unbelievable. It was a beautiful time. On the drive home though, as we were passing the turn for the Sask. River Crossing we were nearly hit by a speeding pick up. The truck came barreling straight through his stop at the T intersection, and flew mere feet from our front into the ditch. Ben was well composed and did a great job driving, not slamming the brakes, but dodging around the back of the truck.

Ben had seen it all happening, while i had my head down reading out loud from the book of Matthew
But those who endure to the end will be saved. And the Good News about the Kingdom will be preached throughout the whole world, so that all nations will hear it; and then, finally, the end will come. 24:13-14
However, no one knows the day or the hour when these things will happen, not even angels in heaven or the Son himself. Only the Father knows. 24:36

Its one of those times that was so close. Makes you think, if we were 3 seconds ahead... Life is unpredictable. It was a short amount of time that went in slow motion, but felt very very intense. The rest of the drive felt strange.

We are now back in our home, happy to have made it. Yet i still feel a heaviness to the air. The reality of where we are going is hitting more intensely. I am a little more emotional. Life seems fragile to me after a near car accident, but thinking of Rwanda, it seems silly knowing there are millions across the planet who are living a lot closer to death everyday. They have a lot more than one near miss to think about. The extremities of this world are hard to grasp. Disease, malnutrition, starvation, murder, simply no clean water. But we also know that this life is short for everyone. A better place awaits us where there is no pain or sorrow.

2008-01-22T06:16:00.000-08:00

Its two weeks now till Ben and I head to the airport to meet our team and sail through the skies towards Africa. We are going to Rwanda through the organization eMi (engineering ministries international), which is supplying the professionals needed to complete a project that is set up by the Word of Life church in Red Deer. Having experience working with Ben as his field assistant in land surveying, I am able to join the engineers and be an asset to the team. Although i must admit that on the side i will be taking every opportunity to be behind my lens. We will be in Rwanda for ten days total, making our work days long and hard, particularly for us surveyors when we first arrive as everyone else is waiting for our initial survey to begin planning. This whole adventure is a leap of trust. We began not knowing how it all would work with time from school and work, as well as funds and equipment. Yet its is amazing how everything has been provided through the generosity of friends and family, employers and profs. Now we must trust that as we go there our hearts will be blessed, our minds challenged and our souls stretched. I cannot imagine what this entails but I'm sure it will be heartbreaking as well as beautiful.

I find that I've been thinking lately on what it is to be human. We have such capacity for both right and wrong. I have this feeling that as i experience a country with such loss in genocide, disease and war, i will also experience love, joy and worship in a way I've never imagined.

Beginning in the middle

2008-01-14T15:08:00.000-08:00

Here is the beginning. Which incidentily has been born out of the middle. I am in the middle of preparing for Rwanda, graduation, and I'm in the middle of being a newlywed, of being a young adult. I am in the middle stage between marriage and children. I am in the middle of deciding my next step for photography, as school will soon be over. Still, everything is a new beginning. One of which has been my desire to write. Now that I'm at the end of my degree i find myself wondering why i didn't take English and Literature, why didn't I take photo-journalism? Nevertheless, here i am wanting to develop my writing. I have been inspired, perhaps even addicted, to some of my friends' blogs. (Jane and Bri, this is you) I crave them and constantly check for new postings to read their latest thoughts or experiences. Their writing is much more eloquent than mine, but i hope that by committing to writing as they have, my own may improve. I would love to have you join me on this beginning. And feedback is always appreciated!!